It feels wonderful talking it out..

Title: It feels wonderful talking it out

At this moment, I am filled with gratitude towards my classmate from my buddhist class who called me to update me on things that had been going on..

She's a wonderful listener and conversationalist.. She expressed her thoughts regarding recent events as well as listened to my feelings.. It feels damn good to air my feelings out for once without fearing what cannot be said..

All those thoughts that were in my brain allowed me to understand that there were others who felt the same way too. I am not alone.. However, I also realised that I am alone in the mechanisms of coping with the feelings..

I honestly told her I do not know how long it will take me to recover.. But one thing for sure, I will go to take the exams..

An aquarius treasures her freedom and privacy the most.. If it is being suppressed, the force of rebounding will be greater and explosive.. The explosive force will be converted into another form of learning energy which will benefit another area.. trust me, it happens!

Losing Trust & Faith

Title: Losing Trust & Faith

Society matters have been disturbing.. One issue has just disappeared, another arises..

The faith and trust that I used to have is slowly eroding away bit by bit.. It's been a while since I stepped backed into the place where I thought could become another place of belonging..

It took me a very long time to bond with the friends and the place.. And now, I am wondering if all of it is worthwhile.. I do not doubt the sincerity of my friends but other issues have been disturbing..

Perhaps this is a sign for me to move on.. When the trust and faith is no longer in my heart, what good will it serve for me to keep staying? It will only create unwholesome thoughts..

Where can I go? Perhaps it is a sign for me to go in search of places once again.. One cannot expect the environment to change for us, but us to adapt to the environment.. In the case where one cannot adapt to it, then it is time to change..

Change is inevitable.. Should I leave now or should I wait for a while more? It is a struggle..

Thank you for being My 'Younger Brother'

Title: Thank You for being My 'Younger Brother'

I always wondered what it would be like to have a younger brother or an elder brother. Well, somehow my wish was granted..

Along the way in university, I 'adopted' a younger brother. It started by him calling me 'Jie' and me calling him 'Xiaodi'. Somehow, the names and the roles stuck..

Though we knew each other for a few years but it felt longer. I always wanted to thank hm for giving this opportunity to experience having a younger brother.. I remembered an incident when he delivered dinner for me and he even added extra food for me for fear of me being hungry during lectures..

When I was down, he would be there to cheer me up.. Even though there were time of misunderstanding, it was quickly resolved. I was touched when one day he told me 'Jie, I love you.' Likewise, 'Xiaodi, I love you too'.

I believed somehow and somewhere we must be connected in our previous lives to have such a connection.. Thank you for all the love and concern that you have given me.. I will treasure this kinship between us while it last..May you be well and happy always..

Gals Making the Moves

Title: Gals Making the Moves

When it comes to affairs of the heart, I believe that both parties are equal in terms of who should make the first move.. Traditionally, it was seen to be the guy who should make the first move.. But guys can chicken out too, the fear of unknown is sometimes too great to handle..

And hence, gals should also be allowed to make the first moves too. But when they make that sacred moves, people view them as desperate.. Oh man! Can't the world see that if one party make the move, at least they are relieved of the constant unknown?

But when the gal makes the first move first, guys may(or may not) take them for granted. Because the guy feels that the gal probably wants him more than she wants him.. This is EGO.. For goodness sake, the gal makes the move because she just want to get it over and done with..

Sometimes, guys are also intimidated by gals who make the first move.. They fear that she may be too much to handle.. Well, these guys lack confidence then.. So if he lacks confidence, in the long run he is going to face the same problem too.. hence forget about this kind of guy..

Of course, the best scenario is the guy making the first move.. But guys either hesitate too long or take it too fast.. They are not the ladies so you know they may goof up sometimes. Forgive them, gals.. They are trying hard enough..

Well, that's about all I have to say... If you really feel for the person, go ahead and make the move.. Nevermind if you are a gal or a guy.. In love, everyone is equal..=)

Thank you for making my day!

Title: Thank You for making my day!

These few weeks, my mood has not be particularly rosy because of issues that I yet to sort it out..

But today, an unexpected person that I happened to meet make my day! He was, yah it was a HE probably not aware that he made my day..

Just chatting with him always make me laugh.. because he is so unbelieveable crappy.. I am glad that I met you today before I graduate.. I do hope you will come for the event..

No, my dears.. It's not the cute Korean-American guy.. I have yet to see a second glance of him..Geez.. This blog is unlike me.. lol but well nevermind.. I am happy.. so i shall post whatever I fancy..

I do not like to give comments when I know that I am already being biased. I have always dislike people who are biased and hence I do not want to be one.. More so, when I know the person values my opinions.. This will only hurt others..

I realise it's a struggle between being the nice person to just pretend nothing ever happen versus dealing with the real feelings and facing up to it.. But I guess this is life..

The little boat

Title: The Little Boat

Little boat was drifting along the cityside when a huge wind blew it off course.. It did not have a choice to revert to its original position instead it kept drifting along with the breeze..

Along as it went, it came to a countryside.. The little boat's dreamplace to dock, a place of happiness and bliss..

It soon realised it was at the point of no return. It would never be happy no matter how much it tried to force itself to be at the city.. And if it could not be happy and joyous thoughts could not be conveyed to passengers onboard, why stayed there?

The city was a great place. But little boat did not have faith that it was gonna be that great after a few years.. Places change like the weather does... It is always better to leave while the impressions of the place remain lovely..

Little boat docked at the countryside and decided to make it its home while awaiting for the arrival for her new owner..

~Had inspiration hence decided to blog twice in a day..

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Title: Timeout

There are occasions when I called for a timeout.. When I am being hurt, being attacked or under huge stress level..

Initially, I thought it was only me who had this weird reaction in my DNA makeup especially the way I responded.. My mode of reaction would be to shut down all systems and thinking processes, withdrawing and being defensive (at times)..

Well, I was glad to know that another friend of the same star sign reacted in the same way..It's a period of confusion and helplessness for us..

No one can pull me out of it because they do not understand the interwined emotions involved. I know clearly what needs to be done but unable to do it due to psychological obstacles..

So long as the heart refuses to move on, everything remains stuck. The shadow of the past merges with the present causing it to be a constant nightmare.. The image of the past and the image of the present lumps together to illusions.. No longer can I differentiate which is which.. The tears of yesterday combined with the tears of today.. The tears of future should not appear..

The hurt is done, the wound unhealed with a ugly gaping scar refusing to be healed.. Perhaps time is the best medication.. How long will it take? Days, months or years? It is unknown..

Timeout.. Timeout.. Timeout..

The Oprah Winfrey Show

Title: The Oprah Winfrey Show

For a long time, I have always heard about what an amazing show it is.. I cheered when finally channel 5 is showing it.. After a few episodes, I am hooked..

I have to admit it is an amazing show, it's no wonder that people love it..

It does not only invite celebrities on board to talk about the usual stuff but it also invites wonderful children with potential to be comedians or other areas to show their thoughts, respecting them as individuals..

Sometimes, it also cover social problems like dealing with poverty in US. These few episodes touched me deeply. It is a show of substance, bringing awareness to the country to the world. The show on poverty reveals the large numbers of citizens who are living in poverty and suffering even more after Hurricane Katrina..

Cities, towns that were deemed to be invisible or simply disappeared from people's view because they were insignificant. They did not receive any help when hurricane hit..neither did they receive any warning systems.. because the city cannot afford any funds to install any system.. This is the life that happened in US, the world richest and most powerful country..

My heart bleeded when the show featured families who are still in poverty simply because they could not get a job hence no money and hence cannot improve themself.. The cycle continues..

Winfrey Oprah is an amazing woman, the sincerity can be seen in her shows.. The way she communicates to people, wanting to being love and hope to the country she resides in.. Simply inspiring, do hope more people like her will be nurtured in the future..

Blessings

Title: Blessings

Blessings are wonderful and precious gems to receive.. It feels wonderful to receive blessings from one's family because the huge positive energy that comes about too..

Truly, Delphine is like my own family including her younger sister.. I give you and Mr Aquarius my blessings because both of you are so right for each other..

For once, one good guy appeared in your life.. And for this once, he has also brought about great joy and laughter to you as well as to me.. Never have I felt left out in the company of both of you.. I like his sincerity in wanting to befriend me as an individual and not because I am your good buddy and hence need to bootlick me..

A simple guy with similar thoughts as me.. Aquarius do think alike.. It's wonderful when I can gang up with him on you! Both of you are lovely people, because of that, I truly want to hear wedding bells for you..Well, if really there are HUGE obstacles, you can always use my plan A, plan B and plan C .. Giggles..

My heartfelt blessings for both of you no matter what the outcome is.. Mr Aquarius & Ms Capricorn, have trust and confidence in your future!

Being independent and protecting myself once again

Title: Being Independent and Protecting Myself Once Again

I remember that someone once asked me if you could pick an animal to represent yourself, what would you choose? My answer was a porcupine..

A porcupine can protect itself when attacked, hurt or scared.. It is also an independent animal.. In alot of ways, I identified with it..

I have learnt to be independent but perhaps sometimes the emotional aspect trips me up.. Perhaps I need to be independent both physically and mentally, reducing my dependency especially on friends..Along the years when one grows up, some friends are gained while some friends are dropped..This is life and somehow I have slowly gotten used to it..

Maybe that is why I not confide easily in people even though I can socialise with everyone easily.. In alot of cases, I can related to peoples' feelings but not the other way round. Gradually, I realised it's frustrating to want people to understand me.. Somehow, I just stopped trying and understand myself better through me alone..

By nature, Aquarius has a trait of being a loner.. Loner does not equate to being loneliness. Its different issues. That's why I do not mind being alone as well.. Being a loner has its advantages, at the least I do not get hurt emotionally. It is my way of protecting myself..

Healing takes a long time and sometimes it never heals back. I rather prevent the hurt being inflicted on me rather than taking it to risk.. Loner allows me to see things I never ever seen before, bringing to light issues that are blinded from me when I have company..

I know my independent personality will serve me well.. It's human nature to protect oneself from being hurt.. Unless its for a worthy cause which until now I do not see any..

Just Me..

Title: Just Me..

Suddenly I realised that I no longer can express freely my thoughts on the blog because I have to cared about what people feel..

But what the heck.. Its my blog and its going to be just me..

Why should I conceal and hide my feelings if I feel negative or lousy? Concerned about others? Forget it..

Continuing to do so.. I may just die early.. Or perhaps its to train patience..

I do not like certain things are .. I cannot avoid because I do not have the choice at the moment but soon I will have it..

Its wonderful to feel liberated once again.. Don't like means don't like, full stop.. Enough said for now..

Death Preparations

Title: Death Preparations

There is a weird topic that probably only me and Delphine can talk about it like any other normal topic.. That is our death preparations..

It gives us relief when we know that in case anyone of us goes first, there is the other party who will know what to do..

Well, I just gave her my list and constantly updating her on the tasks..

Firstly, my funeral will be a happy one with no tears but only laughters..

Secondly, there will not be any flowers wreaths or incense papers burning.. Pls send all those money to charity instead..

Thirdly, I want a cremation and ashes to be dropped into the sea.. So that there is no need to waste space..

Fourthly, 3/4 of my money goes to my parents, the remaining will be donated to temple and charitable organisations.

Fifth, no ugly makeup nor ugly clothes to be worn on my corpse..

Sixth, my diaries shall all be burned away..

Seventh, my personal message will be passed onto people that are significant to me via Delphine.

Of course, this is the WHAT IF case.. But no one knows what will happen one second later..
Death is unavoidable, rather than avoiding it, may as well handle it as well as one can..
It does not make the end.. but rather it marks a new beginning.. Death and birth are just processes.. Hopefully, when the day comes, I will face it with courage too..

Chaos around me..

Title: Chaos Around Me

The world is falling apart pieces by pieces.. Things around me seem to spin and spin.. My head seems to be muddled up.. So many things happening yet so little time for me to digest and learn.. Somehow, I am expected to grow up and cope with what's happening and what will be happening..

Giving others and myself a chance maybe a good thing? Somehow, I just do not feel keen about it.. But nevertheless I am grateful for your presence when I needed it the most.. How do I thank you? Perhaps in this way..

Perhaps you can help me to cross the obstacle.. Doesn't sound ethical but so far it seems to be the only way. I cannot promise anything but that I wil try my best..

This isn't my style.. Why do I have to conform? Why do I have to give up what I like? Perhaps I have grown up.. Understanding that to be 100% honest at times doesn't benefit all parties..Yearning to be me again.. One day, I will disappear and one day I will be back..

A proper closure..

Title: A Proper Closure

In the midst of daily life, I forgot about giving myself a proper closure.. Perhaps this explains why when the memory rewinds, I cannot hold back my tears.. The feeling of abandonment and betrayal all hurts too much..

There are certain things that I know yet I cannot said.. It doesn't matter for I have grown accustomed to keeping things within me too.. I yearned for a proper closure, to cover the book and move on.. This kind of feeling is hard to describe probably only another person can understand..

I feel like disappearing from Singapore without informing anyone except my family.. To find back myself.. I need to continue to learn how to let go, impermanence.. Basic theories of life, yet when it comes to practical, I failed..

How to treasure and yet not be attached to it? This is something which I have yet to find an answer.. I cannot be dependent yet I cannot be independent totally..What is the balance?

Soon, soon.. I assure my inner voice.. You will get the closure you want and I too will find the answers back.. Let me finish what I have promised others..

Fear of Losing

Title: Fear of Losing

With tears in her eyes, the gal rationalised within her mind.. Her fear of losing conquered her mind and her tears flowed down..

The loss of a teddy bear shook her.. The fear of having to gone through the same ordeal griped her right through the heart.. She did not want to think of the consequences..

Because of the loss, she blamed herself and finally she got over it.. But will history repeat itself? And if it does, is it her fault once more?

She doesn't hate the teddy bear.. but its something deeper than that.. the fear of losing..

She shuddered at the thought and decided not to ponder over it.. not now..maybe some other day perhaps..

~Food for thought

Title: Food for Thought

This evening was simply lovely for me.. because I met up with two of my closest friends in SWAPS, Fen and Charles for dinner.. Hee it was a belated birthday dinner for dear Charles who was totally clueless on it..

Imagine his shocked expression when we brought out the mini cake that was hidden in my bag and the fact that we settled the bill.. Hee..His joy brings me happiness for he is like a brother to me..

With good food settling down in my stomach, thoughts started to flow..

Have I become more difficult to understand? More protective of myself, my heart, my mind? I was sharing my 'insights' on how to be careful when getting into a relationship e.g. know the good and bad points of the person you like to be prepared..

By nature, I am rather observant of people's behaviour. So naturally, I can roughly guess a certain person's style through observation. Sherlock Holmes said that good detective skills came from good observation skills..

Perhaps because of this, I know how to guide my behaviour properly. In other words, am I becoming hard to understand? I admit that I am easy to warm up but hard to open up.. If i don't feel like opening up, I won't open up even if it takes a century..

But hard to understand, perhaps.. I can planned in advance over certain events, like testing water but there are things which are uncontrollable.. And if things are controllable, why not planned it rather than leaving it to chance?

Now, I understand why some people marry others even though the person they love is another one. Because they know their love one would not be able to bring them the happiness they wished. Hence, they rather marry someone whom they know can bring them happiness and in the process nurture real love..

Its no wonder they said its a fortunate thing to marry the person you truly love and vice versa..
Sometimes, the best of both worlds just do not exist at all..

This being the case, love being in the open market, everyone is entitled to being picky. So why should gals not be picky? In all aspects, gals are the ones who are gonna to lose out if they are not picky.. Of course, you can be picky and still pick a lousy guy.. but the important thing is you already tried and gone through the process..

The ends aren't the most crucial points.. The process gains credit for it too..
My advice: Pick while you have the market value and can afford to pick..