I know why i continue to run..

Was in the mood to run, it felt so comfortable.. the sweat coming out of the pores, the heart pumping.. I felt alive...

Yew Meng told me my previous previous entry sounded harsh.. Its just frustration at myself mostly and the situation, its not directed to anyone in particular.. Sometimes, blogging it out allows me to feel better..But on the other hand, I also faced the struggle of whether to blog how I really feel.. Because I never know who is reading my blog since not alot of people leave comments..

I know why I continue to run even after I stopped playing netball.. because running is also a form of meditation.. For the 1st time, I caught myself watching my breath, forming a pattern hence helping me to concentrate better on running.. I have more determination to run as compared to the past..

No wonder after I finished running, there is a kind of peace within me.. It felt really good, putting aside all my troubles, my doubts and my questions...I can block out the world around me jus concentrating on the path in front of me, enjoying the present moment..

Sometimes, we stayed in the past and think about the future that we missed the present moment.. This is something that I keep reminding myself, to treasure the present moment.. This will ensure that everything is done to the best..

~Treasure the present moment for its ever precious..

Intra- role conflict

Last semester, HR lessons covered various form of conflict, intra-role conflict, inter-role conflict,group conflict etc... I finally understood what exactly is intra-role conflict...

Sometimes, I am confused over my role..Who am i exactly? What is my role?

Somehow, all the various roles should form my personality. But the boundaries between all these roles are blurred, how do I reconcile them?

Its not exactly bad to be associated with something but there is a feeling that I am unable to express it..

In fact, I am not even sure how to put into words.. Perhaps its quarter-life crisis for me..

Who are the friends around me? Are they who they really are? Or is it just a mask?
I do not seem to know them anymore.. The old memories will be replaced by new memories..

Its all confusion... I just do not know how to organise it into one nice flowing piece...
The puzzle will be pieced together somehow...

Give me space to breath..

Its really tiring to go through the same topic without any discussion.. It is even tiring when I have already stated my stand clearly and still gave to go through it again and again...

Give me my space to breath..

The Taiwan suggestion was not brought up by me.. When it was suggested, I merely maintained silence until I realised everyone seems interested in it.

To me, so long its a place that is yet to be travelled by me, I can alway be keen in it. Moreover Taiwan is the place to a number of temples.

Similarly, this keenness can be easily lost. The idea accepted by majority is not the ideal one I want. Besides, Taiwan is a place that I want to understand its culture rather than just go and walk and shop and end it..

I have already stated that I will see how.. so please stop trying to push me to the ideas proposed. Its simply suffocating. Give me my space to breath.

Even if ultimately my decision is not to go, I will remain a happier person than one that has been forced by peer pressure to go. I am never one to submit to peer pressure.

Give me space to breath...

An encounter with a visually handicapped couple..

Well, finally had the inspiration to blog after a long period.. This incident left such a deep impression in my heart that I really felt like sharing it..

The encounter with the visually handicapped couple took place at the escalator at the overhead bridge. I approached them to ask if they need help in directions because both of them were using the canes to move around. It was really the 'blind leading the blind'.

To my amazement, the lady rejected me saying they could manage. I observed them quietly from behind for awhile to assure their safety. I really admired them, they could talk and yet still navigated their way through the crowd..

How many times have people really stopped and care for the disabled in Singapore? Let's just zoom in onto the visually- handicapped population.

Often, they are either discriminated or ignored especially when boarding the train or the bus. It is heartening to see youths approaching them to offer their help. What they really want and need is just a normal way of life with the public treating them as normal..

In fact, the word that we use can contain meanings of discrimination e.g the blind person.. This is a pretty common word used but to me, I refrain from using this word. Because everytime, we will use this word to scold others"are you blind?"I feel visually handicapped may be a better choice of word.. well this is my opinion afterall..

The next time if a visually handicapped person appears near you, do offer your help to them.. Its a joy to help others.. By helping them, you are actually helping yourself to grow as well...

The rainbow will appear after the rain has gone..

Its been some time since i last blogged. Quite a few events had happened though.. well as usual, my style is I do not give you the entire details but the essence and the lessons I learnt from it.

I love rainbow since donkey years ago.. Rainbows always give me hope and happiness. Perhaps it has something to do with watching animations where rainbows are always depicted in a positive light..

At the end of the rainbow, there is a pot of gold.. Whenever I told my friends this, they will always laugh at me... Well, laugh as you wish, my pot of gold is not the literal pot of gold..


To me, the pot of gold simply signify something wonderful, something joyous..

Rainbows always appear the rain is gone.. Its like after the sadness is gone, the light of hope will appear encouraging us to perserve in whatever we do..

For a long time, my buddy has been unhappy and depressed.. When he finally began to pick up his life and viewed things in an optimistic manner, I was more than happy for him.. All along, I had felt helpless because of the lack of ability to help him. The only thing I can do was to stand by him and believe in him that one day, things will be better for him.. There were times when I felt like shaking him to wake him up.. But at the same time, I knew he will see the light by himself one day...

The wait has been long but I'm glad that I did not give up on him.. He has never given up on me, likewise I will do the same for him.. This is my pot of gold..

Another friend that I had some affinity with was also going through a depressed period.. During this period, he almost cut off contact with me and others.. It was an uneasy period for me because I do not know if the friendship I established with him will last through this period..

I waited and waited.. sometimes I made the initative to talk to him, there were responses but rather dead responses.. Eventually, I decided to just give him time to sort things out.. I believe in him.. I believe that our friendship will be able to last through because of what he wrote and what he said as assurance..

One fine day... he took the initative to talk to me.. things finally started to resume to normal.. Its really a great feeling.. I'm thankful that I did not abandon him then..

From these two great guys, I learnt something. Sometimes standing by and just believing in them is what is needed.. The helplessness that I feel was probably far lesser that what was being felt by them.. They have been my teachers for they have taught me something precious..

They are my pot of gold... The rainbow will appear after the rain has gone...

Negative Thoughts Shoo..

Have you ever wondered how easily we get sensations and perceptions just throught our five senses without even any understanding of what the object is?

Well.. I do.. Negative thoughts can just arise as and when they like..I know they are coming yet I do not have the will to control them yet..

Glanced upon a photo of a few friends and was overwhelmed by the negative thoughts that arose.. Sigh.. It amazes me because these friends used to be close with me but not anymore..

People change, thats why we drifted apart.. I have already moved forward, why are you still stuck in the JC years? Did you not realise that your behaviour irks me that much to the extent I'll rather skip the gathering than hearing you whine?

Certain friendships just cannot seem to stay the way it is.. I played my part once and you did not respond..There is a limit to even my belief of sustaining a friendship.. If basic courtesy of returning phone calls and sms when friends are looking for cannot be done, what more is there to be said?

I'm not bitter or emotional.. just saying it as a matter of fact.. or maybe I'm disappointed?

Other friends are those that I'm unable to trust them or share personal things with them.. Though I am sociable and warm but deep down it takes eons for me to open my treasure box.. When the box is opened, it is seldom shut.. It is shut only when the trust is misplaced..

Well enough about myself.. I should practise metta meditation more to transform those negative thoughts into positive thoughts...

May those people who hurt me in one way or another be well and happy..

Regrets exist to remind us of the lessons learnt..

Recently, I been caught up in tons of work that my fountain of inspirations dried up. The thoughts were all running around in all directions, sometimes a thought would pop up while I walked to the station, in the toilet etc.. But its just not significant enough to be penned down..

Well.. regrets are feelings that are really awful to have. It represents a 'wrong' decision being made from the perspective of the party involved. But what exactly is a right or wrong decision?

There is no definite answer. Its all in a matter of perspective, rather subjective. If the decision had not been made, how will it reveal that its wrong? Similarly, how do you know if that choice which you did not made is the right one? The wrong decision does not mean that the one that is not chosen is correct..

Somehow, it boils down to the fact that there is uncertainty hence regrets will exist in one form or another. Because of the uncertainty element, we have to make a choice. But the outcome of the choice does not lie in our control.

Assuming I make the wrong choice, I will regret that I did not chose that decision. But if I have chosen the correct choice, the situation will be very different. And who knows, I may also regret and till that time, the right choice will seem like a wrong choice afterall. Doesn't it seem like a cycle?

Afterall, life is a cycle.. So it should not be a suprise even if the 'right/ wrong' decision making is a cycle too. When I tried to probe further, it seems that its because of uncontentment that's why regrets appear. Human beings always expect the best scenario or the 'right scenario' but its not often within control. In short, you do not get what you want.

Thats why feelings like 'I should have chosen that' arose. Regrets exist to remind us to be content with what we have or used to have. If we are thankful to count the blessings we have, then regrets will not be called regrets.. It will be called gratitude..

After sorting out those criss-crossed thoughts, I feel abit clearer..but the picture is still fuzzy.. But that is not important, the essence is to have gratitude for what is available in the present moment. Even if its regret, turn them into gratitude by being thankful for the lessons it carries along..

What does ur Birth Date Mean?

Your Birthdate: February 7

Born on the 7th day of month gives you a tendency to be something of a perfectionist and makes you more individualistic in many ways. Your mind is good at deep mental analysis and complicated reasoning. You are very psychic and sensitive, and you should usually follow your hunches. You may not take orders too well, so you may want to work alone or in a situation where you can be the boss. This birthday gives a tendency to be somewhat self-centered and a little stubborn.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

The peace within the chaos..

This entry represents my gratitude to all those who have made Shan You Big Sing an amazing success...

It was a day of finding the peace within the chaos...

From the start, the weather wasn't exactly in a good mood.. Gloomy & rained in a few areas of Singapore.. Still fresh in my memory, I remembered that the offerings to Wei Tuo Pu Sa during Vesak@Orchard worked wonders...

Hence, this time round, this is a must on the checklist.. Incredibly, the weather held really well throughout the night, bringing with it cool breezes.. Thanks to Chingwi who prayed together with me to Wei Tuo Pu Sa to make the event a success..A big thank you to all the devas & sentient beings who helped in some ways..

Well.. of course the team of people I worked with was wonderful! Darryl was the clean-up in charge and he was superb.. Almost frequently, I would see him patrolling around checking the dustbins.. Credit had to be given to the volunteers under him as well which included Bernard, Ivan, Amos, Vincent and Andy..

Ticketing in charge was of course by the BFG..Big Friendly Giant Kah Hoe..Geez..I think he would kill me if he knew I called him by this.. his team included Chingwi, Cell, Hong Bros, Qisen and me!! Tearing tickets had never been any exciting and chaotic ever..

Admist the chaos, we had the crowd in order..(breath) everything in order despite the SIA gal's drama.... Everyone had great fun especially when we became Shan You Dancing Group.. Whatever ego and pride I had were all thrown to the wind allowing myself to indulge in the craziness with the YM team..

Through this event, I got to know Amos, Andy and Hong Seng better.. Geez.. never judge a book by it cover.. Thought they were quiet but well ...they were dynamic.. the essence of YM spirit..

Of course, Shan You staff were wonderful in answering our endless questions..We must be the most problematic volunteers ever.. but well too used to it..Thanks to their hard work and efforts in making this event a success too!!

Hmm.. my feelings should be more or less covered... To end it all.. doing volunteering work is always wonderful..There is the feeling of a peaceful touch to the pumping of the heart..

Be grateful to all around us for we are really indeed fortunate.. If you are into voluntary, do continue to contribute to society.. If you are not, please give it a shot..You'll not regret it..

Loving Children Vs Having Children

Recently, been hearing from almost everywhere "so & so getting married".. Geez.. some of them around my age, some older by 4 years.. wonder if its their biological clock ticking? Hence the tying the knot phase..

Well, according to studies, tying the knot is a phase in human life.. the main aim is of course to reproduce heir.. apparently the so call love that seems to exist between both parties are also part of the instinct due to reproduction alarm clocks ringing away..

I wonder if its within my circle of friends or if its a common phenonmenon that guys these days want to have kids as much as gals do.. the tables seem to have turned the other way around..

The Life! featured a writeup on how a columnist looked at kids lovingly now instead of seeing them as pests..then Brad Pitt also apparently left Jennifer with the same issue..

Apart from celebrities, my guy friends also told me same thing as well.. I was like " are you kidding me?" The answer is a NO.. then the reasons of " I love kids", " its not complete without kids" etc come running out..

This is a huge issue.. though my family side have quite a number of children running around..I still don't see it as a norm to have kids.. my cousins and I have quite a handful of experience from all the nieces and nephews running around..(we had to babysit during new year, traffic control their movements)

But there is a difference between loving children and having children, worlds apart yah? Loving children doesn't involve responsibility and committment whereas having children does.. if I go on, its going to be an essay.. but that is the idea..

The last time a guy told me he wanted kids definitely, he was dropped from my list.. this kind of issue, there should be a freedom of choice. At least the other party can have breathing space..

Hence, my conclusion is its important to know the other party's expectations even before stepping into a relationship. If not, its going to be tough if both parties are not going to compromise. By then, the separation will hurt both parties to the core..

For me, I am still on the fence. There is no definite answer.. It depends on lots of factors in life. Well, for the moment I am still a bit leaning towards the tendency of not having children..
But who knows what the future lies ahead? Afterall I still have time to think about it..

What truly matters is treasuring the moment..

Mid Autumn Festival.. Comes & Goes..

When I was a kid, I used to recall the fun times I had during Mid Autumn Festival.. Playing with friends with sparklers at the playground, burning some poor lanterns..

One of my most memorable times was when I participated in a Fancy Dress Contest.. Geez, wonder why I ever had the courage to do it.. I still remember vividly I dressed up as a tribal gal doing a short 3 minute dance on stage..

A few days before the contest, I fell sick.. thankfully I recovered in time.. With all the thanks to my cousin and my mum who dress me up for the contest.. Ultimately, I didn't win but had an experience that i remember even until now..

These days, Mid Autumn seems to be less of a hip thing. It seems to be something of the past.. Its amazingly I could go to so many places for celebrations yet I chose none..

Really wanted to go for NUSBS celebration but wasn't feeling well.. In the end, I was mopping around with a sad face..

Supposed to have a celebration with another group of buddies.. Poor gal, ZY was trying to co-ordinate.. Both of us were so looking forward to that dat.. In the end, results as expected..

The celebration did not pull through.. 3 of them went to learn diving, the rest either not available or not interested.. Well, what's new? Both of us have already gotten used by now.. What's the point of trying to organising an event when people do not even appreciate it or do not even attempt to turn up? Is it for our own satisfaction or is it for everyone's happiness that someone has to do the organising stuff?

Beats me.. Mayb I will know the answer someday.. But at least I know such a situation exists.. Well, humans are always selfish..Friends have always told this to me.. But is it the TRUTH?
If its the truth, then what about Buddha, Jesus, Sangha community and the churches community? What is their purpose for existence? Aren't they there to help mankind to attain a higher state of mind? Or are they part of a bigger conspiracy?

Well.. who knows.. But i guess, what is important is one's mind is clear on what one's right views are..

Sigh.. Mid Autumn Festival.. comes & goes..

Slight phobia i guess..

Happened to be caught in a situation on the bus that day.. shan't elaborate my situation.
The protagonist in this case was a 17/18 yrs old kid..

His actions left me pissed and sad.. What a strange combination of feelings right? If you know what I'm referring to, you will understand why..

My heartfelt thanks to all those who lend me their ears, eyes for me.. Without all of you, I do not know what will happen.

However, no matter how strong I am, somehow the incident left a scar on me..
At this moment, I have a slight phobia.. but I know I will and I can overcome it

Its jus those almost cases yet I already felt this way. What about those who are really in the situation? My heart goes all out to them..

I pray for them to be strong and overcome this kind of obstacles.. Its our right to voice, point them out.. for the betterment of mankind..

All talk but no action..

Somehow, I been involved in a number of events that required volunteers, the nature of it being a fund raising event for a non profit organisation or for the cause of buddhism..

Its not easy to recruit volunteers from friends.. I'm always amazed by how small the number of volunteers is from my large network of friends.. There will always have this group of people who said they want to do volunteer work but when the occasion arises.. suddenly they are not free..

Another group of people is those that totally just ignored whatever pleas, sms or emails that are been sent out.. These people do not even bother to reply, they simply dump it aside because it doesn't concern them..

Of course, there is always hope in this world. There is also this group of people who are always ready to help out. They are the regulars, they help because they really want to do their part for the society..

Even though Buddhism has one of the parmitas on dana, I'm always amazed that my circle of friends who are buddhist are actually those who seldom helped out. Giving them the benefit of doubt, they are always busy..

Those who helped me come from all works of life.. those that I perceived as probably not interested are actually those who suprises me constantly..

I'm not blaming nor complaining.. But simply, my observation of those within my network.. Well, I still believe there is loving kindness and compassion in this world.. My attempt at asking you to volunteer is my way of allowing you to contribute to society as well.

When we think we are helping the society by volunteering, the society is also helping us back..
~ Sixth sense~ When Bruce was helping the little boy to understand himself, the boy was also helping Bruce to realise the truth..

Think about it..

Millions of thoughts on the run..

At this moment, I have lots of thoughts running around in my brain.. shall just pen down whatever I have then..

Seeing the numerous bungalows somehow made me wondered what its like to be living in there, the rich lifestyle.. the land area and surroundings were simply wow..

These days, the time jus wooshed back.. I don't have the time to track what's going on. I'm spending more time on the computer doing projects and less time on MSN. Amazingly, I have started on my readings too..

Some people jus have to whine and complain.. like how hot the weather is, can faster go air-con this & that..sometimes, I just cannot be bothered to reply.. but well human beings jus have a flair for complaining..

Complaining is bad but whining is worse.. it comes with an irritating accent that makes me feel like leaving the place to get some peace. Unfortunately, I happen to have friends who whine.. Jus got to bear with it and hopefully I will gain some patience..

Been doing quite a lot of catching up with Charles lately but well never get tired of him though.. Its been nice, like meeting up with a brother..a dear buddy..

Friendships belong to a dynamic category.. they do not stay stagnant even when it looks calm on the surface. Once damage is done, it either heals back really slowly or it never does or it leaves a scar behind..

Spiritual friends are hard to find.. I guess the path to buddhahood can sometimes be in groups or alone. I appreciate the peace though.. One person come, one person go..

There is another circle of friends that I neglected.. My buddhist class at TMBS.. The numerous gatherings that had been organised always seem to clash with my schedule.. About time I get some gelling with the class. Jus realised like almost everyone seems to have a sense of belonging to the class, society except me..

Perceptions..maybe it has something to do with myself, perceptions.. Since everything is socially constructed, there is still hope for me..

Heal the world , make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race.. This song always touches my heart everytime I hear it.. Perhaps its the words, the sincerity of the voice..

But I know I believe in the sentence and I will do everything within my means to benefit the world.. Faith..Confidence.. Love..

Whats the fuss about being year 4?

" Oh, u are still around in school ah, haven't graduated yet ah?like very long time.."
" How's studies as a yr 4?"
"How's your FYP?"

Goodness, these are the most common questions being asked ever since i started my final year..

Thanks for all your concern ya, but it gets a bit tiring when I have to repeat these answers like lots of times.. I prefer other questions instead..

There is nothing great about being a year 4 really. Except we are the oldest bunch of people in NUS, supposed to know much more than others.

And well, some people have been urging me to get attached because university is the best place to find boyfriend..

Please, that is crap.. I never believed in that.. When the time is right, naturally everything will appear..

I am very happy being single. No matter what people say, being single is my choice for now, my way of lifestyle..

Until the next person who may or may not come along.. I will still lead my life with meaningful and full of happiness..

Please.. Don't ask me to get attached.. Thanks..

Name Analysis

你的性格水果：栗子

栗子女孩:坚持己见,绝不轻言认输.

性格:
<坚持己见>正是你的行事作风,一旦认定的事情,不管前面有任何险阻,也会竭尽心力去克服,决不轻言认输,但是也因为如此,常被周遭的人认定太过顽固而推避三舍.

因此你应该修正'自己才是对的' 这种观念,多听听其他人的意见,这样性格才能成长.但是因为拥有的才华多不胜数,所以渴望能因此获得好名声.

恋爱结婚:
朴实的恋爱令人感到相当意外.外表虽然让人感到华丽,但实际上却是个非常踏实的人.

当对方向你提及'结婚'这二个字时,心里就会不由自主地沉醉其中,然而问题在于你的性格太过倔强,一旦吵架的话绝对不会主动道歉.

但是因为你对爱情特别专一,所以若是结婚的话,相信一定能成为一个好太太的.

How accurate do you think it portray my personality? Well, for me to know and for you to find out..

Those who know me well enough, you will know the answer though..

Still not perfect.. still have anger

Most of the time, I'm all smiles.. bubbly and happy.. but do not take it for granted and push my limits..

I'm still not perfect even though I'm striving to be one..

If you push my limits, I will get angry, pissed and frustrated even though I'm not supposed to..
Please do not tell me the rubbish that BUDDHISTS cannot get angry..

I seriously wonder what in the world are you thinking about.. we are already so accomodating to you.. still doesn't work?

Even if want to test our patience, there is also a limit.. You are so transparent.. The moves you do are predictable..

Please.. just be youself and stop doing all these once and for all.. If you want yourself to be happy, stop doing all this.. and allow the group to stay as a group ..

Glamour~

How many glamorous moments can one have? Probably graduation, marriage and death.. these are the few times that most people will probably be most glamorous..

To me, the above 3 events are not really significant.. because its what most of us will go through anyway.. not much of a big deal..

But a SWAPS event, Glamour Dinner & Dance is totally different. Its one of the events that probably allow me to discover another part of me..

Last year dinner and dance, N' Sync at the orchidville was my 1st time doing hosting with Andy. I considered him my mentor because I learnt a lot from him in terms of doing hosting and also taking things easy.. He is like our programs jie mei together with wanfen..

After that attempt, I realised i did enjoy it. From there, I went on to do others as well to gain more exposure. This year, I was slightly dismayed to know that my co host was not going to be Andy since we already had the chemistry there..

Well, Yao Dong, my co host was quite good afterall. I know I did a much better performance this time as compared to last year. More confident and less nervous..despite the numerous technical screwups now and then..

I guessed my internship with YM has come useful in terms of events management. Because already used to being changes at any moment so when things changed, it became natural. Of course, there were also times when I almost forgot lines and was saved by my co host..

Because the games were hosted by others, I got to have a proper dinner except for the desset. But I heard it wasn't really fantastic so that's some consolation for me.. And I was rather impressed because they served me separately vegetarian food. The service wise was rather good, beyond my expectations considering its New Park Hotel..

As usual, I was rather busy running around. Did not have much time to catch up with friends. Dear friends, if you did not manage to catch me, I'm really sorry. My deepest applogies!

Oh.. I quite like my look for Glamour. Hair & makeup were done by Hollywood Secrets for free. My dress, jewellery and footwear all borrowed from friends too.. Thanks Cindy & Samantha! This time round, I did not pay a single cent. Extremely happy on that!

Had a fun filled night even though it was tiring mentally and physically.. But given a chance, I'll gladly do it all over again.. Afterall, SWAPS is my family..

I love you SWAPS no matter what your future becomes..

Xiao Guan Ming

Youth Ministry has a new baby recently.. She was previously sick, almost on the brim of death.. But its determination to live coupled with our tender loving care and Shifu's blessings nursed it back to health..

My tears almost fell when I heard from Chingwi that she may die due to malnutrition..Then i knew I had fallen in love with...

A kitten named Xiao Guan Ming, english name Shine..

She is like a baby to us.. we feed it with food, clean it and played with it. When we saw her condition improved, everyone cheered...

when the vet told us to put her to sleep, we protested.. We knew she can make it. Shifu came to chant for her as well.. Everyone in the office asked about her..

Xiao Guan Ming has a strong fighting spirit within her.. because she is part of Youth Ministry.. She is like PKS mascot.. Now, she runs around and plays with almost anything. She is indeed adorable.. like our baby..

She brightens up our day like the sun. Chingwi is like the mother.. and we are like the foster mothers or the siblings..

When Xiao Guan Ming doesn't like anything, she will just meow her typical 'siren' and we will all know..

Xiao Guan Ming, Xiao Guan Ming, we love you so much... But sooner or later, we have to give you up for adoption..

Because of Xiao Guan Ming and Xiao En, I realised how much I feel for animals.. I knew then my decision to be a vegetarian has never been more right.. When I am with them, I feel so at ease because I have nothing to fear...

Because of Xiao Guan Ming, it has brought about the compassionate side of me towards animals.. something which I did not know it exist.. Now, I understand the passion of animal lovers..

In fact, I may even part of them one day.. Animals can feel your emotions.. Just be yourself and they will naturally love you...

Thank you Xiao Guan Ming for giving me the chance to learn and to love you..

Spiritual me..

There's a spiritual side of me that certain people see.. at times, I'm in confusion to define what kind of personality do I belong..

To define me as a spiritual person, it will bring great injustice to others who are indeed spiritual. To categorise me as fun loving and playful, I'm not such at all times either..

Perhaps, I'm a changing butterfly..唯一不变的是变.. Change is the only certainty in life..

There isn't any right or wrong about this.. its just a reflection upon myself after coming back from Venerable Mahinda's metta retreat..

Metta means loving kindness. In other words, this retreat is about spreading the loving kindness starting from yourself and expanding to the whole universe etc. I have been looking forward to this retreat for an entire year since I missed it once last year. The choice was indeed the right one. The benefits I reaped from the retreat will be one that is going to last me for a lifetime or perhaps several lifetimes.

I finally found the meditation method that I had the greatest affinity to. I learnt to progress from the natural state of mind to the metta radiation then to breath concentration and back to natural state of mind. I have always known that metta meditation is more suitable for me rather than concentration of breath. Simply because I can concentrate better and feel it..

Its rather difficult for me to state in words how and why. It has to be through experience then it will be understood. Just like I can describe how delicious the soup is but you have to taste it before you can understand..

Through metta meditation, concentration can also be cultivated. This is because a certain level of calmness and concentration has to be there through the natural state of mind before metta can be radiated out.. It maybe a bit technical for my dear friends who are reading on meditation for the 1st time. .

Honestly, meditation is good for the mind. It is like giving a massge and body scrub to clean the dirt off. Do try it if you are interested!

I told myself this time round, I will be consistent in my practise because I have found it.. I must continue and perserve on..

Well, thats all for the tiny glimpse of my spiritual side..

My mantra shall be as such..

"May everyone be well and happy.."
"May everyone be free from anger and enmity, be free from suffering, fear, worries and anxiety.."
"May everyone dwell in peace and harmony.."

Direction in life..

In life, it goes up and down like a roller coaster ride.. Sometimes there are excitments sometimes there are none..

In work, somtimes its packed sometimes its quite relaxing.. I'm in the period of being packed again.. I have a couple of things that I have to settle as fast as possible before I leave for Camp Ehipassiko..

Though its only an internship but it feels like I am already working there for years.. Geez.. I have an old mind..

More or less, I know where my direction in life is. But there are times when I'm unsure about my abilities as well. For those who know, it has been my life long wish to go into social work mainly to help people. A lot of people have also told me this is not the only way to help, there are other ways..

No doubt, that is true. In fact, before I proceed to get my qualifications as a social worker, I do need to work first to earn money. Hence, from the way I see it, I can go into a few areas like events management, fund raising, volunteer management and social services sector..

Obviously, the above has nothing to do with the real estate area which I'm pursuing right now. But it doesn't matter. I rather do a job with lower pay but with passion and interest rather than a high paying job with no interest.

Well, afterall as a gal, I always have the backup plan of finding a good guy that can pay for my expenses... ~kidding!! Geez...How can you believe that I will do such a thing?

I have my own life and of course own freedom.. hence, I will never go to such extent of being a parasite.. I do things with a clear conscience.. If I'm with someone or doing something, its because I really want to do it sincerely...

Well, I do wish that more people have the courage to pursue in careers that they find it fulfilling..

An interview with Vampire...

I remembered watching a movie long time ago called " An interview with the vampire". Its really nice and touching.. but other details remained a blur to me..

Vampires may not really exist in the real world but only in fantasy. But who knows for sure? Sometimes, the human being is worse than the vampire..

Think about it, when reporters do interviews, sometimes they can go to extreme lengths to scoop the news jusr because it is of great news value..Of course, there are always good reporters and bad reporters..

I believe reporters, journalists should remain as partial and neutral as possible in an interview. Only then, this article is worth reading because it reflects the truth of it..

A Straits Times reporter came back to our office wanting to do interview on buddhist related topic and the events organised by Youth Ministry. Somehow, she just did an impromptu interview with me..

The vibes she gave me was rather negative.. It seems she already had her own set of thinking on Buddhism and did not really absorb my views. I felt that she was like imposing her set of opinions onto me.. I felt really uncomfortable and had to keep restating my point..

It seems she did not do enough homework on Buddhism.. She had a lot of misconceptions.. As reporter, journalist, i feel they should have an open mind..rather than interviewing people with their opinions and biased views.

Thankfully, I was the only person who felt this way... Boss felt this way too.. I'm safe because she is going to take actions before our words get distorted..

Well... as far as I'm concern... There will be no more such interviews unless I get caught in a sticky situation..

Peanut butter VS Strawberry jam

I had a dream..

The scene of a supermarket started to take shape.. I found myself in between a lane where I'm supposed to purchase a jam back home..

Two different kinds of jam caught my attention- peanut butter and strawberry jam.

The peanut butter has an attractive packaging and its suits my tastebuds. But it has already been reserved in advance and its the only bottle left..

The strawberry jam has an average packaging. But it leaves an aftertaste in the tongue, something which I do not like ..

At this moment, I woke up from the dream still trapped in the situation..

From the outsiders' point of view, it may seem like there are 2 choices. So what is the problem then? It must be this person is picky..

But... it is not about picky... it is about choosing something that I can align to.. In actual fact, the 2 options only mean no options.. If you think deeper, you will understand what I mean...

In life, it is like this as well.. perhaps much more complicated as well. Once awaken, everything will be like a dream..

SImple Lifestyle..Simple thinking...

I'm not feeling the best at this moment..rather down actually...

Why can't humans just be simple in their thinking and thus having a simple lifestyle? At least, what i need is really simple.. I just need food to eat, water to drink and minimum money to go on living..

Why do people have to think and consider so much? I yearn for the childhood days when everyone in simple in their thinking..no politics, no backstabbing..

I admit I can be rather simple in my thinking..I dun see beyond..What's to gain in a guessing game?Speechless and staring blankly at the screen...

well, i guess i should go and sort out my thoughts..

Heart vs Brain

I've always been interested in doing personality tests since I was introduced to it durin JC1 by my dear GP teacher, Mr Tong. It gave me a rough idea of what personality I belonged and how I could change myself to a better person..

Since then, I have done a total of at least 5 or more similar tests, the DISC..I'm sure most of you would be familiar especially Swappies..

For a rough summary, the D represents people who are task orientated and dormaint. The I represents people who are influential and expressive. The S represents people who are relationship based and towards harmonious life. As for the C, it represents people who are analytical, critical.

Each time, i do it, there are positive changes to it.. I used to be a I, D person then rather low in the S and C.. But as time passes, the I still remains the dormaint with the D and the S becoming much more balance. However the C is still low as usual..

For those who know me well or observant like Zenon, they can tell immediately that I'm not a C person.. I'm just not cut out to be one no matter how I tried..at least the S I did try to improve to make myself more balanced..

I'm a rather intutive person..I followed my heart most of the time. Of course, the brain is there but somehow I'm just not a very logical person.. I'm rational thanks to Buddhism but sometimes the rationality causes me to have inner struggles..

Its not easy to have 2 camps in a body both insisting on their view point. Imagine 2 people talking into your left and right ear at the same time. Yah, you get the picture..

Well, its always good to rope in help and advice from buddies.. Usually, its Charles and Delphine then followed by my Jie Mei Tuan and etc... By the time Charles and Delphine say their piece, I will have known my direction.

Or rather, I already have a rough idea what I going to do. But just needed to see if its proper and agreeable by others.. Of course, I do insist on my views too and not just followed blindly..

These few weeks gonna be busy.. I do hope that my brain and heart do co operate and help me along.. Pls have your internal conflicts after all the camps and stuff have finished...

The kitten, Xiao Guan Ming at PKS is having a rough time.. Not sure if its gonna make it alive until mon.. I will be praying for you...

May Xiao Guan Ming be strong and live a healthy life..

The impressions that I give people...

Everyone forms impressions on the surrounding environment, people and issues that they deal with in a spilt second. Its like a piece of clay being mounded to a certain shape.. I'm a visual person thus i form impressions based on my observations and interactions with people..

Probably thats why I like to interact with people of all levels and co ordinate events with youth ministry... Its rather fascinating to learn about the different categories of people existing..

Personally, I used to be conscious of the impressions that I gave people. That was during the time when I was less confident. Of course, I still am concerned over the impressions i gave people.

Through people's eyes, i see what their perceptions of me.. Its usually the below.. " bubbly, sociable, reliable, independent, capable, positive etc.." The above are true to a certain extent but there is also a inner side of me that is less seen.. Only a few people who know me really deep will understand it.

Being positive, cheery and bubbly does not mean that I do not have emotions. Like every gal, I have my insecurities and times that I need assurances. The difference is that I do not show it.

Like every gal, there is always this fantasy about wedding gowns and stuff.. Its the society that has shaped our minds to be such. For me, I still have emotions.. Even though I did think about going for nunhood, I know I'm not ready for it.

I do fall in love with people..been there done that. There are happy moments as well as sad moments. I do not fall for people easily but if that someone happen to has all the qualities that I'm looking for, i can fall deep inside the whirlpool.. Being a Buddhist also means that as a practioner in the Dharma, Buddhistic families can be formed to spread Buddhism.. This is what i aspire to establish if i get hitched.. Otherwise, singlehood is also an option just like Dr Kenneth Tan. He is a eligible bachelor, a doctor who stays single as his choice..

This is an area that I do not think I can ever finish writing.. Because I'm changing, people are changing and hence the impressions change too...

May everyone leave good impressions on everyone..and stay positive in life..

3rd parties.. who has the right to judge?

A relationship may break out due to a 3rd party...that is what some people claim..

But stop and think, if this relationship is strong as steel and without gaps, how can a 3rd party have any chance to break inside?

It takes 2 hands to clap. A relationship needs both parties to keep it going. If it fails, it is not the fault of the 3rd party. Neither is it the fault of both parties. Its simply that the conditions have changed..

3rd parties have always been given a dirty look by outsiders. But anyone ever wondered if these people are willing? The answer is no. Who will wish to be a 3rd party and accept the disdain cast upon them by others?

Of course, there is a minority who has a ulterior motive as a 3rd party.. This is however not included here.. Innocent 3rd parties should be given a chance to explain themselves.. But well, this world is not that just...

The best advice is thus to avoid being caught in such a situation as a 3rd party..may everyone be free from such situations..

Frustration

Life is moving at an amazingly rapid rate in today's world.. With speed, the stress will increase naturally.. Its like a pressure cooker..

The stress that people are experiencing will bring about frustration.. I get this virus when I am being overloaded and I cannot finish them according to my time schedule..

Perhaps lately things have been happening in my life... I find myself getting caught by this virus a couple of times.. Everything is in the mind.. When will i ever see the truth?

I know that I will learn with each single day in my life..That is my aim..Not to waste the precious moments in this human life..

Treasuring people...

Human beings are strange creatures.. They never realise how fortunate they are until misfortunates strike. Being forgetful is also one of the trademarks of these creatures..

Taking things around them for granted is also featured prominently in their life.. I am a human being and I'm guilty of the above as well..

During school term, i used to take for granted that I will always be seeing my Jie Mei Tuan.. Perhaps its because everyone has grown closer this semester because of the numerous projects.. I actually missed them during the holidays..

I was so happy to have a gathering with them..I realised then how closely we have bonded as a group. Its rare to have a clique of 9 gals coming together so closely.

Thank you gals for providing me listening ear, wonderful advice and just ur presence makes everything wonderful..

Foundation level as Friends..

A solid foundation is important for a building...it ensures that the building will not collapse in the long run..at least not within 99 years under the HDB...

Dealing with relationships be it family, friends or lovers, its the same too.. There is a need to have a stable level before higher levels can be built upon.

Before the parties reveal their inner self, its always the being polite and diplomatic surface. Then slowly, the real self will appear. There are exceptions however. Some people prefer to be their true nature letting most of their inner thoughts reveal bu not entirely..

Only when the foundation is strong, the parties can proceed to become close friends then gradually lovers likewise for family as well.. Lovers are the best of friends as they can consult in each other.. Its a tedious process but its worth the try to truly understanding a person...

There are so many diverse personalities due to the past and present deeds we have done. The environments that we are being brought in play a major role in shaping the character and behaviour too..

Take the effort to understand a person well and you are bound to learn something from it...

Talented people vs non- talented people..

Well, there is no such thing as non talented people.. this is to give those who feel they are untalent a morale boost..

Talent comprises probably around 10% and the other 90% is hard work.. Ask any successful talented people, they will tell you how much effort and time they have put in to achieve their current status...

Everyone has their own talent.. just that the time may not ripen yet for this talent to be known by thyself.. In most aspects, talent will fall under the arts category like music, dance, drama etc..

However, being able to organise events, managing people is also a form of talent. I know that my talent lies in organising events, networking. I love doing that kind of work as it allows me to reach out to all kinds of people..or rather weird human beings...

Frustration and joy are part of the deal.. sometimes I know i can do it but I just refuse to do... due to reasons like laziness or tiredness.. Well, its always good to know where one's strengths and talents are.. Most importantly, you will be happy when doing that particular thing...

It takes time for talent to be discovered, just like it takes time to polish a precious stone into a diamond..

Power of anger..

Most people get angry once in a while..unless you are enlightened like Buddha and see the true nature of the universe..

The power of angry is astonishing.. It has hands like creepers that just keep extending as long as there is something to feed it..

Meditation has allowed me to be more mild tempered but there are still occasions when I do get really angry, irritated, annoyed and pissed...

Anger causes all evil thoughts to arise and even ways to get even at the person... this is regardless of the relationship of the person to you.. it also kills thousands of cells and cause the heart to beat... In short, it is harmful to health and the mind..

If so, why do people still get angry?

Alas, people still do not see the nature of things. The rise and fall of all phenonmenon is impermanent. The only thing that does not change is change itself..

Beautiful People

Ever wondered why women like to bitch about other beautiful people regardless of gender?

Its because they are filled with craving.. even the most beautiful woman can still bitch about her looks...Humans can never be satisfied with the current state. The fire of craving is always there.. wanting more and better quality...

I'm confident and satisfied with the way I look and talk.. but well.. if I can change, I will want to have a sharper face.. See the irony?

A lot of us are caught in such a situation, claiming to be satisfied yet not so.. Being satisfied and happy means there isn't any if..

For now, I do not want to change any part of me at least on the skin level.. because changing it will mean changing the real me..

People like me for who I am.. if i change, what is the point then?

Everyone is beautiful because we are unique... No matter how alike two people are, they can never be exactly the same.

Start with loving yourself before extending this love to people and the world around you..

Being missed...

I always took for granted my existence on earth.. sometimes i just wonder how big an impact I can create if I just vanished from the surface of the earth...

The realisation hits me when both Charles & Delphine told me that they missed my existence... Delphine even told msn without me was boring.. etc.. We had been good buddies for a long time that sometimes we forgot that we would not always be there for each other.. Charles likewise told me something similar...

I figured that if someone like me could be missed, everyone would be missed by some other person as well... thus we should all treasure ourselves and never think about hurting ourselves..

This world works on a dependency cycle.. everything is interdependent on each other... by bringing harm to yourself, you are harming others... by harming others, you are harming yourself as well.. What goes around comes back to you... pass it on only the good deeds...

Together, we can all make this world a wonderful place to stay in. A place with compassion and love...

Soul mates or perhaps twins?

The mind is a powerful and amazing tool of the human race.. Now and then, there will be articles & books on how people can connect through minds either by telepathy or some other forms... I never doubt its validity though sometimes if I can experience it as well..

Perhaps when you are reading the below experience, you will dismiss it.. but it doesn't matter..

Charles and I are very close buddies.. Our minds are connected such that sometimes we can read each other thoughts and even feel the emotions that is whirling through..

At the meditation retreat on the 4th day, his image suddenly popped up midway during my meditation.. No matter how much I tried to focus, i can feel that something positive is happening to him .. Its a kind of feeling that is hard to pen it down...

I contacted him once I got out of retreat.. and the most amazing thing happened.. He told me that yes something did happen on the 4th day... and that he was hoping to discuss with me.. I was amazed at how the thoughts were transmitted to me across the causeway..

We discussed over this issue.. and came to the conclusion that we may have been siblings or twins in our previous lives.... Soulmates? perhaps..

It sounded like a tall tale...but its true because i experienced it myself.. I will have doubted it if someone told me... This further enforced the fact that our mind is able to do lots of wonders just that it has not been explored to its fullest potential yet... Buddha must have realised this when he gained enlightenment..

Giving the mind a facial treatment..

We cleanse our body head to toe daily using the best shampoo, bathing foam and facial foam.. the main purpose is to make sure that we stay clean..

We exercise, go on vegetarian diets to ensure a healthy body to cope with the stressful pace of the world..

Alas, the mind is often forgotten... it is filled with dust, dirt and bacteria...

I take time off to cleanse the mind by going off for retreats or detox sessions... meaning I allow my mind to breath and relax...

Imagine not bathing for days.... this is what the mind feels like...

The retreat has given me a new found inner peace.. the real retreat place lies within us not elsewhere...

We need to learn to find within our mind a place to retreat...

Inner feelings

I seldom disclose my inner feelings..I like to have my privacy and sense of freedom..like a black horse freed from its rein galloping on the green pastures

There is a softer feminine side that most people do not see unless they are really close to me..Thus this blog in pink instead of purple portrays the inner side of me which is softer and more feminine..

Penning down my thoughts allow me to fufil my hidden desire of being a columnist..sharing my thoughts and opinions with strangers and friends.. strangers are friends that we have not met..

The thoughts that are formed in my mind come from reflections of the world that we live in..once in a while, I go for retreats to recharge and motivate myself along the spiritual path..
I can often see myself much clearer and observe things sharper.. We all have the potential to do this..

During my university years from beginning till now, I have seen myself matured. From a blur gal to a confident lady, it would not be attainable without SWAPS, NUSBS, PKS Youth Ministry and so much more.. These have nurtured me into who I am today. Filled with gratitude, I respect them and thus try to help them in ways that I can..

Thank you for helping me..

A new beginning...

Its been long since i updated my old blog..decided to have a new blog to signify a new beginning in my life..and also because of feedback that my old blog was not too user friendly..

I love to read fairy tales and indulge myself in the picturesque depiction of the story..The romance stories however did not touch me which I sometimes wonder if i was normal..

To me..the romance seemed fake.. how is it that a guy and a gal meet in one second and fall for one another and live happily ever after..? That is not love..but infatuation..Perhaps I do sound skeptical but take your time and think it through..

True love only develops after being together for sometime and it develops from liking..

It was a mixture of relief & sadness when i chose to end the long distance relationship.. if a relationship has reached the point when communication is sparse...what meaning does it holds? It only creates a burden on both parties..

I learnt and emerged once again stronger from this relationship... being patient, understanding, open communication and mutual trust is the essence.. Both of us are better off as good friends.. Its just that conditions are not right for the relationship to bloom...

May he be well & happy..